In Response: 10 Tips For Twenty Something Transformation

I am 21 years old. I'll be 22 in November. I don't know if I really qualify as a 20-something since I've only hit my second decade of life two years ago. But I do know that after living with college freshmen (17 - 19 year olds) for 9 months, it doesn't matter if you're 21 or 28 - there is a very clear discrepancy between the teens and the 20-somethings.

Christine Hassler of the Huffington Post wrote an interesting post a couple of days ago called "10 Tips for 20 Something Transformation."

Reading the article was interesting because it felt like she wasn't really saying anything new.

Make choices, Stop Comparing, Make Mistakes.

Yet at the same time, there was something about those words being reinforced by someone else in a simple list format that was both intriguing and powerful for me. Also, although she specifically refers to 20-somethings, this list really could apply to anyone in any part of their life.

I suggest you go to the article if you want to see her full list, but here are a few tips that she had that I want to respond to.

Be present - So simple and so true. You know, as college students and post-college 'adults', I feel like we throw this phrase around a lot, but how many of us truly understand what it means to "be present"? Honestly, not many of us. Just as Hassler says, we concentrate so much on where we're going and with whom. I know I do that. But I'm also trying to change my thinking in acknowledging that when I am truly present and observe how I react to things, life will unfold itself the way it is meant to.

Tune in - YES! Please listen to your intuition! Intuition gets overlooked so often... Listening to your brain - cool. Listening to your heart - cool. Listening to your intuition - awesome.

Build Your Tribe - Note: "Facebook will not nourish your soul" - Hassler. Amen. When we enter college, we're sort of spoiled in that our tribe is made for us. We walk into a preassigned dorm and told that they are family for the next nine months. The rest of college continues sort of similarly as we create tribes with every new living situation. But as time passes, we learn who we want in our tribe, who we don't, who helps us evolve, and who stunts our growth with negative energy. I know much of where I am today is because of my tribe and there is nothing more important than our human (face-to-face!) relationships.

Again, the tips that Hassler point out are by no means exclusive to 20-somethings. But being 20-something and being surrounded by 20-somethings, it might be appropriate that she targets us specifically - I find that we are more easily thrown off balance at this time in life because it seems that what we see, what we believe, and what we know are in constant argument with each other. Thank you, ego.


I showed Hassler's post to a friend and she quickly exclaimed that she was going to print the list out and post it on her wall. Not a bad idea. Hassler's post should be a reminder to us all that life continues, our surroundings change, we adapt, and we keep moving. But we must live the experience moment by moment.

Before I end this post, a couple tips of my own.

Smile and Laugh - Please laugh. Laugh at yourself, laugh with your friends, laugh when you are having fun. It takes more muscles to frown than to smile, so what's stopping you?

Breathe - I would say meditate as well. Go somewhere calming with no distraction, and just breathe in and out. Listen to your breathing, clear your mind, and just be.

Have a lovely weekend everyone! Much love and take care

4 Phone Calls - "I'm Sorry," "I Forgive You," "I Love You," and "Thank you"

We have a program in our dorm where we spotlight three residents and basically bombard them with questions for an hour. What happens is three people sit on a couch, each give a one to two minute summary of the basics in their lives (family, hometown, major, etc.) and then the rest of the hour is open to the rest of the dorm to ask them any question they would like. Some of our favorites include: Most embarrassing moment, When did you become cool?, and Favorite college moment.

Today, a resident raised her hand and in a shy but confident voice, asked:

If you could make four phone calls to say one of the four phrases "I'm sorry," "I forgive you," "I love you," and "thank you," who would you call?

What a simple but thought provoking question!

I think these might be my answers:

I'm Sorry - I would call my parents, not because I was a rebellious teenager or I don't think I've lived up to their expectations, but I would say sorry for all of the times that I withheld what I truly felt from them. I have a tendency to keep my thoughts, my beliefs, and my opinions to myself for fear of causing chaos, argument, or negative energy. Thus my parents were kept a part from a lot of what I was feeling and thinking as I was growing up. This was especially true when they separated and soon after divorced. So I would tell them I'm sorry for not being open and not sharing what I feel when I'm sure what they needed most was for their daughter to share how she felt.

I Forgive You - I would call my two friends from High School who stopped speaking to me after I was accepted to the university I currently attend. They had both applied and were both denied and for some reason that gave them reason to call me names behind my back and to not like me. I was angered by their actions and couldn't understand what I had done wrong to deserve such treatment. But I forgive them. I forgive them for calling me names and I forgive them for not knowing any other way to express how they felt. So the next time I am in the same room with them, instead of walking the other way, I will meet them and smile and say hello, because I forgive them.

I Love You - I would call my best friend whom I've known for the past two years, and tell him that I love him. I love him for pushing me past my limits but also being there whenever I needed to lean on someone. He is a beautiful soul that is still rough around the edges, but is growing and evolving into who he wants to be, and all the while, he is there for me.

Thank You - I would call my grandmother. She passed a couple of years ago, and I used to believe that I was her least favorite grandchild. She was stubborn, hard headed, and selfish, and had a celebrity complex that made her think that she could do whatever she wanted whenever she wanted. But in truth, she was the only person who knew how to live freely and in the moment and was always happy, and I regret that I didn't realize this until she passed. So I would say thank you to my grandmother for always reminding me to live in the present and not be afraid to pursue what I love.


Who would you call, and why?

And more importantly, a question to you as well as myself - why aren't you calling them right now?

Thelma Aoyama

A new single from my good friend Thelma Aoyama.
You go, girl.

Thelma Aoyama - Todo Ketai

and of course some Kina Grannis

Deepak Chopra - Love and Intent

What is Happiness?

Question:

What’s the meaning of happiness?

Genpo Roshi :

In my experience there are two types of happiness. The first is conditional, it depends on conditions and circumstances. It is relative happiness. This means that we are happy when the situation is such that we feel good about it and that it brings us joy and happiness. It is fleeting, and always transient. It comes and goes. It is not permanent.

There is a second kind of happiness, which is unconditional and not dependent on circumstances. It is joy and happiness that is always present, when we are in the here and now, in the present. It is absolute, not dependent on either circumstances or conditions. No matter what the situation, whether it is seemingly good or bad, in hard times or easy times, we are in a state of joy and happiness. This only happens when we are in touch with our true self, the one that is ever-present and yet difficult to tap into or access.

For example, suppose I ask to speak to the one who has been damaged, hurt, even broken, the one we are all more or less identified as. This would be our everyday mind or everyday self. It often feels mistreated, hurt, disappointed, upset about circumstances and how others are treating the self. Often it sees itself as a victim unable to cope with life, or at best having a difficult time. Happiness comes in fleeting moments when conditions are more or less perfect and they happen to be conducive to it.

So if I were to ask to speak to the immature voice of the limited conditioned self, or damaged self, this voice might say things like:

“I feel like the world conspires against me, like I have been beaten down since birth and even in the womb. I feel like I had no choice but to be born in this life. I am not sure why I am here, what my purpose is, or what the meaning of life is. I am searching and seeking for happiness, for joy, for a better life. I am seeking truth, enlightenment, liberation, peace of mind, etc. I can’t seem to grasp it or find it, which only increases the damage and makes me feel more frustrated. It is a constant effort, and I only succeed in becoming more exhausted and less happy. In fact the more I seek after happiness the more it seems to elude me”

If I then want to speak not only to the immature but also the unhealthy damaged self, I would ask, Why are you unhealthy?

This voice might respond: “I am unhealthy because I am immature, I am green, I am young. I see the world as something outside me and I feel like a victim of life. This causes me depression and anxiety, which stem from fear. The fear comes from the feeling of separation from the world and from others, even of being disconnected from my own feelings and emotions. This creates in me a sense of alienation and dissatisfaction. Because I am the unhealthy and immature damaged self, I can even create major diseases, long-term feelings of depression, severe cases of anxiety and all-around poor health.”

Next, I would like to speak to the disowned damaged self. Why are you disowned?

“I am disowned because the self disowns me and therefore I don’t really know who I am. I have no role. He keeps me hidden, suppressed. He is in denial about my very existence, pretends everything is OK, and that there is nothing wrong or lacking. I don’t feel that I have any position, that I’m honored, respected, included, embraced. In fact, in order for me to come out or to act, I have to do it in covert ways. I have to seek attention, I have to look to others for sympathy, confirmation and acknowledgement. I’m constantly trying to be liked, be accepted, to be welcome. I feel like a child who has been put in the basement, and has no place in the home, can’t go out and play with the other kids, can’t use the TV, the refrigerator, play in the living room. I don't feel at home”

So, if you were owned, how would you contribute to the self, what would you offer the self?

“Well, if I were owned I guess I could do my job with some dignity. I could take the damage, I could take the abuse, I could take the rejections, the feelings of abandonment. I could take the insults, I could take the blows, and I would do it with joy, with happiness, because it’s my job. And if I felt respected and appreciated, then I could really do this for him for the rest of his life without complaint, without bitching, without feeling angry about all the damage that others and he the self have caused me.”

If you’re the damaged self, whether you be immature, unhealthy, or disowned, there must be a self that is undamaged, that has never been damaged. Would you now allow me to speak to this undamaged, true self?

“I am the undamaged true self. As the undamaged true self, I’ve never been hurt, I’ve never been affected by anything. I am untouched and unharmed. I am pure awareness, witnessing and observing life as it goes on. I’m like a clear, vast sky, undamaged, unaffected, never been hurt or abused. I am whole, perfect, and complete. I am unborn and undying. I am limitless, timeless. I am fearless. I am not seeking anything, I have no desires, I am happy, content, fulfilled, and joyous. I am nirvana. I am complete and whole just as I am, and I see everything as complete and whole just as it is. There’s nothing lacking, nothing in excess, nothing missing. Everything is just perfect as it is, everything is the result of cause and effect, just emerging. In fact, there really is no cause and effect. Everything is just what it is.”

Well, if you are both the damaged self and the undamaged self and yet transcend them both, let’s imagine a triangle outlining your physical being, sitting in the lotus position. Sitting here, let’s call the left side, like the left brain, the human side, the side that takes all the blows, is damaged, is limited, is the one that is born and dies, experiences suffering, old age, etc. Then the right side, the undamaged true self, is the side of being-ness, the side that is pure awareness, pure now-ness, I am-ness. Let me now speak to the apex of this triangle, the one that embraces and includes the left and right sides of the triangle, includes and transcends and embraces these two, and has no preference for one over the other, the damaged self over the undamaged self, or the limited self over the true self, and no judgement of either being superior or inferior. Let me speak to the apex.

“I am the apex. I am the true human being. I embrace all the human conditions and qualities as well as the being-ness, pure awareness, timelessness, spaciousness. I include both extremes, the damaged self and the undamaged self. I am both and yet neither.”

So, say something as this apex, this one who consciously chooses to be a human being.

“Well sometimes I am happy and content, I am fulfilled. Sometimes I experience sadness and grief, I feel hurt, I feel pain, I suffer. And yet there’s always one who is not suffering, who is not in pain, who has no fear, who is beyond all of these conditions, who is unconditionally happy and fulfilled and joyous. There is tremendous space and freedom to just be what I am.”



Question:

Everyone is looking for happiness, where can they find it?

Genpo Roshi:

First of all if we’re looking and seeking, we’re not going to find it. It is only when we stop seeking happiness that happiness is ever present. The only place to find true happiness is when we are aware and awakened to our true nature, which is beyond the conditional, which includes and embraces conditional happiness, but also transcends it to a place of awareness, of unconditional happiness and joy.



Question:

Is it necessary to find happiness? What’s your opinion?

Genpo Roshi:

Only if you want to be happy. If we want to be happy and joyful and appreciate our life to the fullest and live life to the optimum, then we must discover the non-seeking mind, the one that has nothing further to seek and is always happy content and fulfilled. I might say I have never met a happy person doing mean things, I’ve only met unhappy people doing mean things. If you don’t want happiness, then it’s not necessary to find it. It is possible to just be happiness.



Taken from the Winter Edition of the Dutch Magazine Happinez.

en Master Genpo Roshi founded the Kanzeon Sangha, an international Zen community in 1984, with groups and centers throughout Europe and the U.S., and is abbot of Big Mind Western Zen Center in Salt Lake City, Utah, which he founded in 1993. He discovered the Big Mind process in 1999. His newest book is Big Mind Big Heart: Finding Your Way. www.bigmind.org

Oops

I haven't posted in a while. Oops.

Here's an interesting article: What Do Women Want?

Fuck me, hell if I know.

So my new years resolution was to blog more.

I'm going to have to work on this one.